lite & lucid

I’d like to start right off with a blanket apology to anyone who’s been to or will in the future come to our house and use “The Boys’ Bathroom”. We have not 1, but 2 new stand up pee-ers who, apparently, have no idea what their doing. In fact, after cleaning their bathroom the last 7 months I’m convinced they don’t know the object of the task is to aim inside the toilet. And I, lacking the proper equipment to show them, have had to resort to plagiarizing all my husband’s material that I’ve overheard.

“Alright, don’t hold it so tight you won’t get anything out so loosen your grip. Ok, now unleash the thunder! Aim for the water! Ok, well…you’ll get better!”

I thought they were doing relatively well, only the daily once around the toilet seat with a bleach soaked rag was required. Then I went to deep clean their bathroom in preparation for a family visit… I wanted to throw up and yell at them at the same time. What have my little darlings been aiming at? I had no idea as I hadn’t actually seen them pee in a while. So I loitered outside the bathroom like a documentary film crew waiting to catch aborigines in their natural environment. And what I witnessed that day was horrifyingly educational.

I realized a majority of the missing happens at the beginning, because they have no idea how strong or weak or right or left the flow will start. I’m talking over the toilet altogether, hitting the side of the vanity on the right, the bottom of the tub on the left, their own feet. Imagine a greenhorn operating a strong firehose. Uncontrolled chaos. Once strength and direction of the flow is learned, they tend to overcorrect a number of times before finally hitting the water in the toilet. Then, as the flow decreases, again they have to adjust their aim and do so with reckless and limited knowledge as they end up puttering the last of it on the seat.

While watching my 3 year old pee, I tried giving him instructions and instead of just listening he actually turned his entire body 90 degrees to face me and never stopped peeing. The look on his face showing intense interest in what I was saying while he peed on the floor at my feet. In shock I stopped talking and he turned back to the toilet shooting a clean line across the bathroom, completing the turn in time to finish cleanly on the toilet seat.

His bathroom manor only got worse after an unfortunate incident with a lifted toilet seat that resulted in him falling in the toilet. He now insists on standing a good 11 inches away from the toilet to pee and every time I try to gently push him closer to the toilet he screams, “No! I’ll fall in the toilet! I’ll fall in the toilet!” while backing away farther. This all results in the most accurate target hit being the toilet seat and the most inaccurate, his socks.

Their aim does improve when they pee at the same time, something I’m still trying to find not weird.

One time in particular they were both peeing and Bryce, who finished first, took one sideways glance at his brother, who was still deep in concentration, and open hand slapped Gavin on his bare stomach then took off down the hall. Gavin surprisingly stood his ground and finished before taking off after him. On one hand, snaps for not one drop spilled outside the toilet! On the otter hand, nowhere in the parenting handbook was stuff like this discussed. What am I supposed to…I mean, how do I handle….I mean….what?

I’ve had numerous people give their ideas to train more accurate pee-ers. One popular suggestion is to put Cheerios (TM) or Fruit Loops (TM) in the toilet for them to aim at. I bet that works amazing! Except my kids would reach into the toilet & eat them. Then I’d throw up everywhere, pass out on the pee covered floor only to awake to twice the mess to clean up.

Another popular idea is to put a sticker decal in the toilet and tell the boys to aim at it. Another great suggestion…except wars have been started in this house over stickers. I see this scenario ending with me finding Gavin walking around with said sticker and me throwing up. Again.

Make them sit down to pee! Awesome! Are you going to be the bathroom monitor 15 hours a day every day? Because I’m sure not. You’d think I could handle that little task and you know what? I totally could. As long as I’m not doing laundry, cooking, saving the cat from cuddle time with the boys, letting the dog out, paying bills, throwing away a Leggo (TM) I just stepped on, making lunch, making a snack, searching for sippy cups, or in the bathroom myself. Mediocre mom confession; I don’t always know where they are every second of the day. In fact, I don’t know where they are right now. They’re in the house somewhere, I’m positive. I just don’t know the exact room but judging from the noise I’d venture a guess that they’re in the basement. Hold on…… Never mind. Gavin just brought me an empty toilet paper roll from the  bathroom trash can and told me “I peed on this.”

Maybe I’ll give that sticker thing a shot.